Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
