I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
