At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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