You made me cry and you don't even care
So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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