2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
