genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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