My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
