She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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