remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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