do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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