Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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