I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
