You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be