I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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