A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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