I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
