the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
