just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
