That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
