im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
thus making me awesome and them whores
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Randomize
