now i know why i became what i already was.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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