If that was your dad, he is hot
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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