mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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