god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
