I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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