My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
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