smell my finger.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
