I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
