I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
