I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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