after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
