I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
