Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
