Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
