Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
