My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
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I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
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I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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