I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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