someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
