I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
