My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
