EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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