just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
