no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
