i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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