Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
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So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
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It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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