she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.