he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
