And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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