I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
