My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
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OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
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Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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