You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
