I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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