I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
