I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
