I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
