hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
