i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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