Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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